So you've decided to try online dating. Very brave, well done, good first step. However, before you jump in and create a profile that will do more harm than good, let's look at one of the most important aspects.
Your profile picture is worth 1000 words, and 100 dates.
Raise your hand if you hoped you might be able to do all this without putting up a picture?
Now also put up your hand if you hoped you could use a selfie from your phone or an old photo with other people in it?
Bad dater, bad!
I'm sorry to say, but you will need photos, and you might even need to spend some time creating them so they are tailored to your online dating message.
The clever people in white coats have found that most people are cautious about online dating because they feel they can't verify the information. As humans we are used to reading body language and other cues to decide if what we are being told is true. Online, because there are fewer cues, we suddenly place a lot more meaning on the remaining ones. So people are going to be reading a lot into your photo, or lack thereof.
Your photos are one of the the best ways to support what you say and make you appear honest. However, if you aren't careful, it will also be 'telling' people things about you that you don't know.
Not only do you need them, but you need them to look good. How the photo is taken and a myriad of other little tells will give away more information about you than you know. Thinking of putting up a shot you've clearly taken yourself? This immediately says that you have no friends, because you couldn't find one single other people who could hold the camera for you. Yup, that's how much people will read into your photos.
But don't be scared. You may not know exactly what your photos are saying, but that's why you have me. To help you out, I'm going to go through the most common mistakes I've found online, and what these photos are actually screaming. Keep in mind that that the profile picture is not just being used to judge your appearance, but your entire life. So, here are some things to be aware of:
1. The Random Object Picture
Looking through a list of potential matches, face after face, and then suddenly, bam. A sunset. Or a dog. Or some other random object. While you may just be shy, or trying to get across the message you love animals, this is not how it is going to be interpreted. Immediately the user is going to think that there is something very wrong with your face, or that you are massively insecure (which leads to clingy, needy, psychopathic, etc.) No matter how insecure you are, always put up a photo of yourself. It's just not fair otherwise.
2. Pick Which Person Is Me Photo
Using photos of you with a lot of other people can support your statement that you have great friends. However, it also has some negative connotations that I think you should be aware of. First, it says you have put no effort whatsoever into choosing photos for your profile, as you've just grabbed them off Facebook. Second, everyone will automatically assume you are the most ugly person in the photo. Sorry, but it's true.
3. You with Another Girl
I assume the logic is that you are trying to prove you can pull hot girls. This is slightly undermined by the fact that you are on an internet dating site. Further, users will judge the girl in the photo (harshly, it's human nature) and then assume that is your type. Even if the girl in the photo is an exact representation of your ideal girl, after she has gone through this filter you will find no other girl wanting to own up to being like her. Therefore, every girl viewing it will assume you are looking for someone else. The only acceptable woman ever would be your grandmother. Your mother makes you look like a mama's boy. Having a child in your photo is okay if it is yours and you want to get across clearly that you have children and are a loving parent. If you want to get across that you are great with children, but don't have any of your own, then put a niece or nephew in one of your other photos, not your primary one, and clearly state it's not yours.
4. Making Yourself Appear Ugly On Purpose
Making yourself ugly on purpose is a bad idea, even if it is a hilarious photo. Trust me when I say that everyone will assume that your worst photo is the most realistic. You don't want that image of you stuck in their minds when they talk to you, do you? So don't use it.
5. Shots of Bodies Without Heads
Okay so you have a great body, thanks for showing that. But would it really have been that hard to zoom out and show that you have a brain as well? Particularly for women, photos of bodies with no heads are disturbing. It also screams that you objectify your own and everyone else's bodies. Not a great message for most dating sites.
6. This Is Me... 10 Years Ago
All of your photos need to be reasonably up to date, with the primary photo being taken in the last few months. You look great as you are, and have matured well, so be confident. It is usually pretty obvious if someone hasn't put up a recent photo, because no 40 year old actually looks like that. But even if you don't get found out now, you are just leading to in person rejection - not because you're bad looking, but because you are not what they expected. Now you look older and like a liar, or just seriously insecure, which is not attractive either. Even though a lot of people do feel that an out-dated photo is still legitimate, if you are prepared to put some time in now, you can definitely take an even better photo. Recreate your favorite shot if that makes you feel better, but add in some extra clues to your achievements since then.
7. Professional Photo Shoots.
You need to be careful using professional glamor shots online. While they might make you look fantastic, there are a few subtle messages that they give off you need to be aware of. First, they are notorious for being unrealistic, so it won't add to how attractive people actually perceive you. Second, they can make you come across as egotistical and self-centered, because you paid to have someone make you look good. You want to create natural looking snaps, that just happen to make you look as good as a professional would.
8. Me While I'm Drunk
I'm sorry, but no one is attractive when they are drunk, not even supermodels. This is similar to the previous note on comic ugly shots. There are much better ways to show that you like a good time.
9. Out of Focus Shots
I'm going to include in this shots where you are not the focus and landscape photos where you are just a speck. You do want the photograph to support your other attributes, which might include being outdoorsy. However, the main purpose of the photo is always to show that the other good looking photo wasn't a fluke. People want to see you. Clearly.
The secret to all this is to remember that everyone is wanting to think the worst of you, and that all self-defense mechanisms make you look insecure. Once you've done that, and had fun creating some new photos, you'll be fine.
Your profile picture is worth 1000 words, and 100 dates.
Raise your hand if you hoped you might be able to do all this without putting up a picture?
Now also put up your hand if you hoped you could use a selfie from your phone or an old photo with other people in it?
Bad dater, bad!
I'm sorry to say, but you will need photos, and you might even need to spend some time creating them so they are tailored to your online dating message.
The clever people in white coats have found that most people are cautious about online dating because they feel they can't verify the information. As humans we are used to reading body language and other cues to decide if what we are being told is true. Online, because there are fewer cues, we suddenly place a lot more meaning on the remaining ones. So people are going to be reading a lot into your photo, or lack thereof.
Your photos are one of the the best ways to support what you say and make you appear honest. However, if you aren't careful, it will also be 'telling' people things about you that you don't know.
Not only do you need them, but you need them to look good. How the photo is taken and a myriad of other little tells will give away more information about you than you know. Thinking of putting up a shot you've clearly taken yourself? This immediately says that you have no friends, because you couldn't find one single other people who could hold the camera for you. Yup, that's how much people will read into your photos.
But don't be scared. You may not know exactly what your photos are saying, but that's why you have me. To help you out, I'm going to go through the most common mistakes I've found online, and what these photos are actually screaming. Keep in mind that that the profile picture is not just being used to judge your appearance, but your entire life. So, here are some things to be aware of:
1. The Random Object Picture
Looking through a list of potential matches, face after face, and then suddenly, bam. A sunset. Or a dog. Or some other random object. While you may just be shy, or trying to get across the message you love animals, this is not how it is going to be interpreted. Immediately the user is going to think that there is something very wrong with your face, or that you are massively insecure (which leads to clingy, needy, psychopathic, etc.) No matter how insecure you are, always put up a photo of yourself. It's just not fair otherwise.
2. Pick Which Person Is Me Photo
Using photos of you with a lot of other people can support your statement that you have great friends. However, it also has some negative connotations that I think you should be aware of. First, it says you have put no effort whatsoever into choosing photos for your profile, as you've just grabbed them off Facebook. Second, everyone will automatically assume you are the most ugly person in the photo. Sorry, but it's true.
3. You with Another Girl
I assume the logic is that you are trying to prove you can pull hot girls. This is slightly undermined by the fact that you are on an internet dating site. Further, users will judge the girl in the photo (harshly, it's human nature) and then assume that is your type. Even if the girl in the photo is an exact representation of your ideal girl, after she has gone through this filter you will find no other girl wanting to own up to being like her. Therefore, every girl viewing it will assume you are looking for someone else. The only acceptable woman ever would be your grandmother. Your mother makes you look like a mama's boy. Having a child in your photo is okay if it is yours and you want to get across clearly that you have children and are a loving parent. If you want to get across that you are great with children, but don't have any of your own, then put a niece or nephew in one of your other photos, not your primary one, and clearly state it's not yours.
4. Making Yourself Appear Ugly On Purpose
Making yourself ugly on purpose is a bad idea, even if it is a hilarious photo. Trust me when I say that everyone will assume that your worst photo is the most realistic. You don't want that image of you stuck in their minds when they talk to you, do you? So don't use it.
5. Shots of Bodies Without Heads
Okay so you have a great body, thanks for showing that. But would it really have been that hard to zoom out and show that you have a brain as well? Particularly for women, photos of bodies with no heads are disturbing. It also screams that you objectify your own and everyone else's bodies. Not a great message for most dating sites.
6. This Is Me... 10 Years Ago
All of your photos need to be reasonably up to date, with the primary photo being taken in the last few months. You look great as you are, and have matured well, so be confident. It is usually pretty obvious if someone hasn't put up a recent photo, because no 40 year old actually looks like that. But even if you don't get found out now, you are just leading to in person rejection - not because you're bad looking, but because you are not what they expected. Now you look older and like a liar, or just seriously insecure, which is not attractive either. Even though a lot of people do feel that an out-dated photo is still legitimate, if you are prepared to put some time in now, you can definitely take an even better photo. Recreate your favorite shot if that makes you feel better, but add in some extra clues to your achievements since then.
7. Professional Photo Shoots.
You need to be careful using professional glamor shots online. While they might make you look fantastic, there are a few subtle messages that they give off you need to be aware of. First, they are notorious for being unrealistic, so it won't add to how attractive people actually perceive you. Second, they can make you come across as egotistical and self-centered, because you paid to have someone make you look good. You want to create natural looking snaps, that just happen to make you look as good as a professional would.
8. Me While I'm Drunk
I'm sorry, but no one is attractive when they are drunk, not even supermodels. This is similar to the previous note on comic ugly shots. There are much better ways to show that you like a good time.
9. Out of Focus Shots
I'm going to include in this shots where you are not the focus and landscape photos where you are just a speck. You do want the photograph to support your other attributes, which might include being outdoorsy. However, the main purpose of the photo is always to show that the other good looking photo wasn't a fluke. People want to see you. Clearly.
The secret to all this is to remember that everyone is wanting to think the worst of you, and that all self-defense mechanisms make you look insecure. Once you've done that, and had fun creating some new photos, you'll be fine.
About the Author:
Looking for a comprehensive book on creating a better online dating profile? Check out The Nice Guy's Guide To Online Dating Profiles on Amazon or see Buffy's website 100 First Drafts.
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